An Open Letter To Those Who Didn't Know

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I'm sorry that I didn't know myself well enough to know that I had something to tell you.

I'm sorry for the way it went down and came up, only to dissipate and then return with a vengeance.

For all the closed doors and bolted locks -- I'm sorry.

For the ignorance and lack of enthusiasm, these too.

I'm sorry for the fake smiles and disinterest that plastered my face in a crude mask of deceit;

If it's any consolation, I looked in the mirror and saw them too.

I'm sorry for the arms length I kept you at and the lengths I ran from you;

And from me.

I'm sorry for the crescendo of silence I chorused into your ears and the way it silenced you as well.

For the missed calls, unanswered messages and bailed outings, I'm just so incredibly sorry.

To you for the endless tease of hope and to myself for the lack of your good company.

I'm so sorry for the failed relationships, neglected friendships and unnecessary hardships.

For the fights I created out of nothing, and the nothing I created out of everything.

I'm sorry that I whispered when I should have screamed and stifled when I should have cried out.

I'm so sorry that I hid and waited for that which would not come;

For being the damsel of my own distress, and my rusty knight as well.

I'm sorry that I expected the very help I could not ask for.

I'm so sorry that I hurt you;

That for even a second, you wondered if maybe it was you.

That I left you without ever leaving, and without even logic or reason to comfort you.

That I couldn't face you without facing it.

And that I wasn't ready to face it.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to know, for me to understand, for me to face, for me to tell you.

And that all the while,

You didn't know.

So you couldn't help.

Love,

Depressed